Archive for the ‘Just me’ Category

I glide gracefully around obstacles in my path, always with the goofy grin on my face.

Changing the boys school for better educational opportunities, no problem.

Starting a business with my husband while I still work full time outside of the home, no problem. Starting my own as well, no problem.

Pregnant teenage neice needs to move in with us, no problem.

Bills paid, groceries stocked, new shoes as needed, new clothes as needed, no problem.

What they don’t see:

My feet flayling beneath me to keep me atop the water. Keeping me from sinking in the sea of life.

Fear that if I stop flayling about beneath the surface, that I will indeed sink, never to reach the surface again.

Keep that in mind the next time you are envious of someone elses seemlessly perfect life. They too are flayling about,  beneath the surface, trying to stay afloat.


Ok…I am going to rant a little. More accurate…I am going to list a few truths, the real ones.

First, my Ma and Pa were in Love for over 20 years. They shared their lives together. It was their choice and I am happy they made that choice. If you are not, get over yourself…it was not about you! It was about them.

It was the money my Mom and Dad had worked for and saved for over 25 years that bailed Pa out of the IRS hell his 3 daughters put him in after “borrowing” undetermined amounts of money from his business and failing to file any tax returns for several years.

It was the money my Mom and Dad had worked for and saved for over 25 years that bailed his oldest daughters house out of foreclosure which she promptly gave away during her divorce just a few years later.

They both passed away with nothing in savings because of the multiple “loans” to his three girls for things like horses, feed for the horses, hay for the horses, cars for the boyfriends and this doesn’t even include the trucks and cars that his kids “bought” on payments from them. And then there is the rent for his house that was hardly ever paid. Had you paid the rent you agreed on (which was far lower than fair market value) the loan on his house would have been paid off years ago!

They kept their stuff separate. He had his house and property and Mom had her house and property. They kept it this way for a reason. So his kids would inherit the home they grew up in and Moms kids would inherit hers. They now want half of all of my Moms stuff because they are greedy and that is the only reason. (oh, but they don’t want to divide his house in the same way)

He told his family, his friends, Mom and us girls that they would be a handful to deal with. That thier greed would make the loss of his life a mess. That they would have no respect for his wishes and try to get every dime they could even if they had no right to it. He was right. And the sad part is truely that they were never around much while he was alive, otherwise they would have already known what his wishes were (as if the will was not clear enough).

Mom did not steal his SS check. His daughter brought it over to her every month without fail. She would then deposit that check into thier joint account. The same way it had been done for the past 20 years. She used that money to pay his house payment, house insurance (which was occupied by his daughter), car insurance, supplemental health insurance, purchase his prescriptions, buy food, pay bills….the same way it had been done for 20 years.

Mom took care of him diligently for 2 years after his stroke. (They signed over his medical POA to her) She rarely left the house except to go get groceries on Saturday which she had to get someone to come sit with him to even do. She loved him and he loved her. They were happy and Pa didn’t want to be anywhere else but with her. Stroke or not, his wishes were to be at home.

And that is what love is. It is enjoying the good times and making the bad times work. It is giving up the last 2 years of your own life to take care of the one you love. It is dying of a broken heart 8 months after your partner passes away. It is not getting treated for cancer because you knew you would not be able to take care of your partner if you did. It’s giving everything you have to give to the other and not being pissy about it. And that is what Ma and Pa had.

So I am sorry that you sucked every dime you could out of your Dad and my Mom before they passed away. I am sorry that you realize that and can’t get over it. I am sorry that you think money will make you feel better. Because I know everyday that he loved me and I know everyday that he knew I loved him. Because I know that I am doing exactly what Pa wanted done and what Mom wanted done when they passed. I know because I saw him or spoke with him everyday for over 20 years.

He did not have to be my Pa. It was a choice that he made and I feel blessed to have had him choose me to be his daughter, to have loved me. And that is what love is, that is what it feels like to be truely loved, because they choose to love you. And that feeling is the greatest feeling in the world and I feel sorry for you that you never felt it.

And that is what love is.

Halfway to 70

Posted: February 1, 2012 in Just me

On my way to work today I realized that I will be turning 35 on Friday. A fact I don’t want to get out! I have my kids believing that I will forever be 29 and someday they will be older than me. 🙂

That puts me halfway to 70. A realization that my mortality is real. Mid-life crisis? No. I don’t plan on going out and buying clothes that are too young for me to wear, a convertable or motorcycle. My reality is that my mother passed away 3 months and 11 days before her 70th birthday. It makes me wonder if I will make it to mine.

She was a smoker to her last day, and I, unfortunately, have followed in her foot steps. My fear is that I will inevitably suffer that same fate. Thus, forcing my boys  to suffer the same sadness that I did when she passed.

So I decided to quit smoking for good. Not that I can reverse the damage that I have already done for the past 20 years, but maybe I can be healthier to fight what ever I have caused when it comes. The next 35 years of my life need to better spent.


Get my life together……

Posted: January 22, 2012 in Just me
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I have spent a great deal of my life working very hard at making everyone else happy, being who I thought I was supposed to be or who I thought they thought I was supposed to be. It is very exhausting really. Trying be a different me with each person I know. I think that is why it is so hard for me to figure out who I am now.

Who is the real me? I enjoy making others happy, knowing those deep inner things about others that will bring a smile to their face. I dip into that knowledge at Christmas and Birthdays, so the gift I choose, lets them know that I truely thought about them. I love giving gifts that will make someone cry. So I know it touched their heart. And that brings me joy, bringing joy to others. But how far do you take that? How does that define me?

I don’t know what I love, other than my family of course, so I can’t really expect anyone else to know either. Having everything organized and in place makes me happy, but you can’t really define yourself by that either. I love to cook as well, and bake, but again, I don’t think you can define yourself by that. If you could, I guess I would be a person who likes to bring joy to others, in an organized/clean environment, and cook. Huh, kinda sounds like a 1950’s mom. You know, the ones who stayed home. I really like that idea, but is it me?

I need to get my life together, and to me that means this:

1. Clean, organized home.

2. Schedules that I can’t keep to, to ensure that everything done when it needs to be done.

3. Bills caught up with a cushion for when things go wrong.

4. Home cooked meals….everyday. Except for Friday mornings when my husband and I go to breakfast. Or when we feel like doing something special to reward us or the kids or the whole family.

5. When all those are done, making time to exercise to improve my health.

6. Passing these traits to my kids so that they may grow to be upstanding members of the community and proud of who they are.

7. Last but not least, quit smoking so they never have to live through the nightmare I did with my mom.

Seems simple enough, but when you add others into the equation, like my husband and my children, who’s outlook on life is not all schedules and lists. It creates a huge road block to my success. I need to find a way to slowly introduce these things to them, so they become acclimated to it without noticing it.

You wouldn’t think that would be so hard, seeing as I have been this way my whole life. But they fight me tooth and nail everyday. The husband, is my true enemy when fighting a schedule. I believe that things like firewood, generally used only in the winter, should be gathered and ready for use before winter hits. He gets part of it in fall, and then flies by the seat of his pants for the rest…throwing at me when I come home from work that we are out of wood and need go cut some, TONIGHT!

My day has been scheduled and those plans have been running through my head all day at work, so the last minute change to that schedule puts me into a tail spin. It puts me in a foul mood and my loving husband laughs it off as though it doesn’t matter. What he doesn’t realize is that I am more of a duck in water when it comes to last minute schedule changes on the fly, I look okay at the surface, but under the water, I am flayling around, trying to get somewhere. The anxiety is horrible. I now feel like I am behind the gun on everything I had planned to complete that night, as well as being behind on wood, and of course the wood takes priority. Because the cleaning and the dinner cooking can wait. Or can it? Usually the following day, I hear about how the house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, everyone is out of socks or jeans or both, and what are you planning on cooking for dinner? Putting me behind the gun a second day, causing more anxiety, double the work load and making it seem as though I am failing.

Am I too hard on myself? Or do I need to get my life together? I think it’s a little of both, but do I do what I need for me and hope that they fall in, seeing that it works for me, and I am happier. Or continue with the struggle that is my life? Is it fair for me to expect them to do this to make me happy when everything I do is to make their life easier and in turn making them happy, or do I find a way to schedule in the chaos and adapt to their on the spot life style?

Why do I try to understand?

Posted: January 16, 2012 in Random crap
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So along with just trying to deal with the loss of my parents, I get the pleasure of being sued by my Pa’s kids. Not that it is any big surprise….Pa told us they would. But it is just silly. They have no legal standing in it, and yet they continue with it. Listing witnesses that they failed to ask if they would be witnesses, listing themselves when they were never there. But we press on.

But it really got me when I went to speak with my Uncle and found out that they did approach him but got angry and hateful when he declined to be pulled into the middle of it. Which I understand completely why he would not want to be involved. Pa’s brother and my Dad’s sister are married. Conflict of interest seeing as he is family to both sides. Not that I would ever want him to take sides. I guess that’s the difference between us though.

I just don’t know why I try to understand them? In a time that we should be family, supporting each other in the loss of our parents, they retreated from us, (not us from them) and became hateful and greedy, when there is nothing to gain. They spent everything they had. Don’t blame them at all for that. They saved for their retirement and lived every moment of that retirement exactly the way they wanted! Together!

Winter Storm Warning

Posted: January 13, 2012 in Just me
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I live in Michigan, so it is not uncommon for there to be a winter storm warning, and usually it’s a big flop to the hype that the weather peeps put on it. 6-10 inches of snow is not a big deal.

I was at work in Kalamazoo when the “storm” started to move in. Again, no big deal. I have a 4 wheel drive as many do in Michigan and I know to slow down, keep room between you and the vehicle in front of you, etc. etc. etc.

The “storm” began with rain as it has been unseasonably warm for Michigan this time of year. About the time I left for home, the snow had began to fall. As I walked to my car I started to plan my trip home. I thought I should probably stop and grab some milk, not that I was afraid to go out later in the snow, but because I do not work on Fridays and have a lot of cleaning to do for the NYGP to stay on track. I do not plan on leaving my post tomorrow. I also noted that I was low on cigs (bad habit I am trying to break) but again I do not plan on leaving my post in the living room until it is clean and organized.

I got in my car and started driving home. The roads were not bad, just wet from rain, but the temp was dropping and I knew that they would be slick later tonight and through tomorrow. Not a problem for me, but for others it is.  It was then that I reached for my phone.

I thought I had better call mom and see if she needed anything. I knew that she would not go out in the snow for anything and would simply make do with what she had. I also knew that she would not call and ask tomorrow for me to go get her anything because she wouldn’t want me out on the roads either. But I knew that if I called her while I was out, and I was out because I had no option seeing as I was at work, that she would have a list of miscellaneous items that she would need.

That’s when reality creeped in and I remembered that she would not need anything, because she was gone. And then I remembered that it had been just over a year and a half that she has been gone. The wound opened and my heart began to hurt again, just like it was yesterday. I could not call her, I could not hear her voice, I could not stop by and see her while I dropped off her needed supplies.

This is a step better than I was before however, this time I did not dial her number, and listen to the voice tell me that it had been disconnected. I simply reached for the phone, and then sadly set it back down on the seat.

Dropping energy level…

Posted: January 12, 2012 in Just me
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So today at work I could hardly focus on my job and only thought of what needed to be done at home. It was a crazy afternoon at work and I did get quite a bit of work done.

Armed with the ambition to get home and get things done I headed in that direction. Arriving home in to my lovely entry way I was boosted with even more ambition to make the rest of the house look as good.

But before I could get my coat off my phone rang. It is my hubby, stuck in a truck with three little ones on the side of the road with zero gas in the tank. The trip back from the bus stop went horribly wrong. So off I went to rescue him. His trucks gas gauge has been acting up, it says it has a quarter of a tank when in reality, it has none. Put a gallon of gas in and start the truck…it will tell you it’s time to get some. He was not happy.

After returning home my energy level dropped. I just wanted to go to bed and start again tomorrow. But I pressed on, cooking dinner, did 2 loads of laundry (completely), unloaded and loaded and ran the dishwasher and then unloaded it again, gathered all the burnables and took them out to the boiler, and took the bottles and cans out to the garage.

Now here I sit, in the living room, in which I did clean up a bit (its a start), blogging. And he starts in on me wanting to know what I am doing and why. I don’t know why. I put my day out there, and I wait to see what happens. I don’t ask him why he sits on the toilet reading magazines he has read a thousand times and honestly I don’t want to know.