Get my life together……

Posted: January 22, 2012 in Just me
Tags: ,

I have spent a great deal of my life working very hard at making everyone else happy, being who I thought I was supposed to be or who I thought they thought I was supposed to be. It is very exhausting really. Trying be a different me with each person I know. I think that is why it is so hard for me to figure out who I am now.

Who is the real me? I enjoy making others happy, knowing those deep inner things about others that will bring a smile to their face. I dip into that knowledge at Christmas and Birthdays, so the gift I choose, lets them know that I truely thought about them. I love giving gifts that will make someone cry. So I know it touched their heart. And that brings me joy, bringing joy to others. But how far do you take that? How does that define me?

I don’t know what I love, other than my family of course, so I can’t really expect anyone else to know either. Having everything organized and in place makes me happy, but you can’t really define yourself by that either. I love to cook as well, and bake, but again, I don’t think you can define yourself by that. If you could, I guess I would be a person who likes to bring joy to others, in an organized/clean environment, and cook. Huh, kinda sounds like a 1950’s mom. You know, the ones who stayed home. I really like that idea, but is it me?

I need to get my life together, and to me that means this:

1. Clean, organized home.

2. Schedules that I can’t keep to, to ensure that everything done when it needs to be done.

3. Bills caught up with a cushion for when things go wrong.

4. Home cooked meals….everyday. Except for Friday mornings when my husband and I go to breakfast. Or when we feel like doing something special to reward us or the kids or the whole family.

5. When all those are done, making time to exercise to improve my health.

6. Passing these traits to my kids so that they may grow to be upstanding members of the community and proud of who they are.

7. Last but not least, quit smoking so they never have to live through the nightmare I did with my mom.

Seems simple enough, but when you add others into the equation, like my husband and my children, who’s outlook on life is not all schedules and lists. It creates a huge road block to my success. I need to find a way to slowly introduce these things to them, so they become acclimated to it without noticing it.

You wouldn’t think that would be so hard, seeing as I have been this way my whole life. But they fight me tooth and nail everyday. The husband, is my true enemy when fighting a schedule. I believe that things like firewood, generally used only in the winter, should be gathered and ready for use before winter hits. He gets part of it in fall, and then flies by the seat of his pants for the rest…throwing at me when I come home from work that we are out of wood and need go cut some, TONIGHT!

My day has been scheduled and those plans have been running through my head all day at work, so the last minute change to that schedule puts me into a tail spin. It puts me in a foul mood and my loving husband laughs it off as though it doesn’t matter. What he doesn’t realize is that I am more of a duck in water when it comes to last minute schedule changes on the fly, I look okay at the surface, but under the water, I am flayling around, trying to get somewhere. The anxiety is horrible. I now feel like I am behind the gun on everything I had planned to complete that night, as well as being behind on wood, and of course the wood takes priority. Because the cleaning and the dinner cooking can wait. Or can it? Usually the following day, I hear about how the house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, everyone is out of socks or jeans or both, and what are you planning on cooking for dinner? Putting me behind the gun a second day, causing more anxiety, double the work load and making it seem as though I am failing.

Am I too hard on myself? Or do I need to get my life together? I think it’s a little of both, but do I do what I need for me and hope that they fall in, seeing that it works for me, and I am happier. Or continue with the struggle that is my life? Is it fair for me to expect them to do this to make me happy when everything I do is to make their life easier and in turn making them happy, or do I find a way to schedule in the chaos and adapt to their on the spot life style?

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