History

Posted: January 10, 2012 in Just me
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I have never blogged before, so try not to be too critical of me. I am a writer at heart, but that is as far as it goes. I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book or two, but it is just that….a dream. Especially now with all the e-readers out there. The dream of holding a book with my words in its pages is gone. But don’t pity me, I love the jobs that I chose for myself, wife and mother. These are my true legacy.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and bad choices. The difference is that I have learned from those mistakes and repented for the bad choices instead of making them over and over again. I would not be where I am or who I am without making them. Regret them, yes I do. Hate myself for making them, no.

This is the story of how and when I realized that I am not defined by my jobs in life…I am me. Who that me is, well that’s where it gets tricky. When I got married, I changed myself so that I felt like I fit the role. I did it again when I had my first son. I felt like I needed to look like the job I took on. Motherly. I threw myself into those jobs in every way possible. Engulfed myself really. That was 12 years ago, and since then I have had another son as well. I love that job, but after my Mom passed a year and a half ago, I got lost. Really lost.

With my husbands undying love and devotion, the support of friends and family that love me despite my faults and mistakes, I am finally finding my way out of the darkness I put myself in. I pulled away from my family, out of fear really. Subconsciencely, I suppose I didn’t want them to feel the pain I felt when she left us, so I distanced myself from them. It is a year and a half that I will never get back with them. I failed them when they needed me the most.

During that time I stopped playing my roles, so my house is a disorganized mess. It matches how I feel inside, but not how I want to feel. So with the guidance of a good friend from the days when all was right in the world, I have started a challenge for the new year. Get an organized home by spring. The New Year Grand Plan. One room a week for 14 weeks. I feel as though getting the house back to its original status will bring me closer to my original status. I lost me a long time ago. I am sure that I will not find myself to be the person I was then, everyone changes. But there is a me in there somewhere. Still a wife, still a mother. I don’t want to change my life or start anew, I just want to have a life. One of my own. This blog I guess will be a record of that journey.

You are welcome to share that journey with me, and you are welcome to bow out as well. Either way….I’m ok with it. 🙂

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Comments
  1. katiebman says:

    I’m so glad you’re blogging. It’s cathartic, isn’t it? Once in a while, when I’m not ranting and raving, I see a small gem. I hope you will, too. Love you!

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