Archive for January, 2012

Get my life together……

Posted: January 22, 2012 in Just me
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I have spent a great deal of my life working very hard at making everyone else happy, being who I thought I was supposed to be or who I thought they thought I was supposed to be. It is very exhausting really. Trying be a different me with each person I know. I think that is why it is so hard for me to figure out who I am now.

Who is the real me? I enjoy making others happy, knowing those deep inner things about others that will bring a smile to their face. I dip into that knowledge at Christmas and Birthdays, so the gift I choose, lets them know that I truely thought about them. I love giving gifts that will make someone cry. So I know it touched their heart. And that brings me joy, bringing joy to others. But how far do you take that? How does that define me?

I don’t know what I love, other than my family of course, so I can’t really expect anyone else to know either. Having everything organized and in place makes me happy, but you can’t really define yourself by that either. I love to cook as well, and bake, but again, I don’t think you can define yourself by that. If you could, I guess I would be a person who likes to bring joy to others, in an organized/clean environment, and cook. Huh, kinda sounds like a 1950’s mom. You know, the ones who stayed home. I really like that idea, but is it me?

I need to get my life together, and to me that means this:

1. Clean, organized home.

2. Schedules that I can’t keep to, to ensure that everything done when it needs to be done.

3. Bills caught up with a cushion for when things go wrong.

4. Home cooked meals….everyday. Except for Friday mornings when my husband and I go to breakfast. Or when we feel like doing something special to reward us or the kids or the whole family.

5. When all those are done, making time to exercise to improve my health.

6. Passing these traits to my kids so that they may grow to be upstanding members of the community and proud of who they are.

7. Last but not least, quit smoking so they never have to live through the nightmare I did with my mom.

Seems simple enough, but when you add others into the equation, like my husband and my children, who’s outlook on life is not all schedules and lists. It creates a huge road block to my success. I need to find a way to slowly introduce these things to them, so they become acclimated to it without noticing it.

You wouldn’t think that would be so hard, seeing as I have been this way my whole life. But they fight me tooth and nail everyday. The husband, is my true enemy when fighting a schedule. I believe that things like firewood, generally used only in the winter, should be gathered and ready for use before winter hits. He gets part of it in fall, and then flies by the seat of his pants for the rest…throwing at me when I come home from work that we are out of wood and need go cut some, TONIGHT!

My day has been scheduled and those plans have been running through my head all day at work, so the last minute change to that schedule puts me into a tail spin. It puts me in a foul mood and my loving husband laughs it off as though it doesn’t matter. What he doesn’t realize is that I am more of a duck in water when it comes to last minute schedule changes on the fly, I look okay at the surface, but under the water, I am flayling around, trying to get somewhere. The anxiety is horrible. I now feel like I am behind the gun on everything I had planned to complete that night, as well as being behind on wood, and of course the wood takes priority. Because the cleaning and the dinner cooking can wait. Or can it? Usually the following day, I hear about how the house is a mess, the dishes aren’t done, everyone is out of socks or jeans or both, and what are you planning on cooking for dinner? Putting me behind the gun a second day, causing more anxiety, double the work load and making it seem as though I am failing.

Am I too hard on myself? Or do I need to get my life together? I think it’s a little of both, but do I do what I need for me and hope that they fall in, seeing that it works for me, and I am happier. Or continue with the struggle that is my life? Is it fair for me to expect them to do this to make me happy when everything I do is to make their life easier and in turn making them happy, or do I find a way to schedule in the chaos and adapt to their on the spot life style?

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Why do I try to understand?

Posted: January 16, 2012 in Random crap
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So along with just trying to deal with the loss of my parents, I get the pleasure of being sued by my Pa’s kids. Not that it is any big surprise….Pa told us they would. But it is just silly. They have no legal standing in it, and yet they continue with it. Listing witnesses that they failed to ask if they would be witnesses, listing themselves when they were never there. But we press on.

But it really got me when I went to speak with my Uncle and found out that they did approach him but got angry and hateful when he declined to be pulled into the middle of it. Which I understand completely why he would not want to be involved. Pa’s brother and my Dad’s sister are married. Conflict of interest seeing as he is family to both sides. Not that I would ever want him to take sides. I guess that’s the difference between us though.

I just don’t know why I try to understand them? In a time that we should be family, supporting each other in the loss of our parents, they retreated from us, (not us from them) and became hateful and greedy, when there is nothing to gain. They spent everything they had. Don’t blame them at all for that. They saved for their retirement and lived every moment of that retirement exactly the way they wanted! Together!

Winter Storm Warning

Posted: January 13, 2012 in Just me
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I live in Michigan, so it is not uncommon for there to be a winter storm warning, and usually it’s a big flop to the hype that the weather peeps put on it. 6-10 inches of snow is not a big deal.

I was at work in Kalamazoo when the “storm” started to move in. Again, no big deal. I have a 4 wheel drive as many do in Michigan and I know to slow down, keep room between you and the vehicle in front of you, etc. etc. etc.

The “storm” began with rain as it has been unseasonably warm for Michigan this time of year. About the time I left for home, the snow had began to fall. As I walked to my car I started to plan my trip home. I thought I should probably stop and grab some milk, not that I was afraid to go out later in the snow, but because I do not work on Fridays and have a lot of cleaning to do for the NYGP to stay on track. I do not plan on leaving my post tomorrow. I also noted that I was low on cigs (bad habit I am trying to break) but again I do not plan on leaving my post in the living room until it is clean and organized.

I got in my car and started driving home. The roads were not bad, just wet from rain, but the temp was dropping and I knew that they would be slick later tonight and through tomorrow. Not a problem for me, but for others it is.  It was then that I reached for my phone.

I thought I had better call mom and see if she needed anything. I knew that she would not go out in the snow for anything and would simply make do with what she had. I also knew that she would not call and ask tomorrow for me to go get her anything because she wouldn’t want me out on the roads either. But I knew that if I called her while I was out, and I was out because I had no option seeing as I was at work, that she would have a list of miscellaneous items that she would need.

That’s when reality creeped in and I remembered that she would not need anything, because she was gone. And then I remembered that it had been just over a year and a half that she has been gone. The wound opened and my heart began to hurt again, just like it was yesterday. I could not call her, I could not hear her voice, I could not stop by and see her while I dropped off her needed supplies.

This is a step better than I was before however, this time I did not dial her number, and listen to the voice tell me that it had been disconnected. I simply reached for the phone, and then sadly set it back down on the seat.

Dropping energy level…

Posted: January 12, 2012 in Just me
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So today at work I could hardly focus on my job and only thought of what needed to be done at home. It was a crazy afternoon at work and I did get quite a bit of work done.

Armed with the ambition to get home and get things done I headed in that direction. Arriving home in to my lovely entry way I was boosted with even more ambition to make the rest of the house look as good.

But before I could get my coat off my phone rang. It is my hubby, stuck in a truck with three little ones on the side of the road with zero gas in the tank. The trip back from the bus stop went horribly wrong. So off I went to rescue him. His trucks gas gauge has been acting up, it says it has a quarter of a tank when in reality, it has none. Put a gallon of gas in and start the truck…it will tell you it’s time to get some. He was not happy.

After returning home my energy level dropped. I just wanted to go to bed and start again tomorrow. But I pressed on, cooking dinner, did 2 loads of laundry (completely), unloaded and loaded and ran the dishwasher and then unloaded it again, gathered all the burnables and took them out to the boiler, and took the bottles and cans out to the garage.

Now here I sit, in the living room, in which I did clean up a bit (its a start), blogging. And he starts in on me wanting to know what I am doing and why. I don’t know why. I put my day out there, and I wait to see what happens. I don’t ask him why he sits on the toilet reading magazines he has read a thousand times and honestly I don’t want to know.

Just be glad I have a job…………

Posted: January 11, 2012 in Just me
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I know that I should be glad to have a job in these economic times, however, I can’t help but feel like I am failing my husband, my kids and his business. I know that I am on the owners list of that business, but what do I do really? He works on dirty engines of all shapes and sizes….not really seeing me getting that dirty. I try to manage the paperwork end of that, but I just don’t have the amount of time it deserves or the focus.

Here I am sitting at work, blogging, which I am sure is against company policy, but I can’t help but feel like I am wasting 9 hours of my day just being here. I have sooo much to do at home, cleaning, organizing, business paperwork, taxes to prepare etc.  So I can’t focus on what I need to do here. This is my attempt to clear it out of my mind in hopes to get something work related done today.

I would love to start my own business, but I don’t know what. There are alot of things I like to do, write, photography, organize….but I don’t see those as being much of a money maker. I would much rather pour myself into my husband business and make it great, than have two “ok” businesses. Is that me trying to make everything perfect again or me wanting my husbands dream to succeed? Maybe a little of both…either way I want to be there, to be a part of it, in the background where I do my best work.

The Grand Plan

Posted: January 11, 2012 in Just me
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Do you ever feel like your best intentions will end up just a flop? Me too! I have started this Grand Plan for the New Year and the jist of it is to work on one room a week for 14 weeks. Leaving you with a clean, organized home by spring. Sounds easy enough and do-able. I completed my first room, the entry way, and I love it! It is warm and welcoming everytime I enter, and I believe that it will give that feeling to everyone who enters.

The problem: The rest of the house has suffered for the week I spent on that room, partially because I was ill the majority of the week. But looking around at the mess in the rest of my house, I am already starting to feel a little defeated. Now I am worried that the week I spend in the living room will cause me to slack on the upkeep of the entry way. A viscious cycle. The stress I am causing myself is actually inhibiting my ambition to start on the living room. Which incidently is filled with the majority of the items I removed from the entry way.

So I am nearly half way through week two, only one room has been touched and I already feel as though I may fail. Has my confidence depleated so much in the last year and a half that I don’t even believe that I can complete such a minor task? Am I being to hard on myself?

I have alot to do, not just in the house, but to regain the confidence in myself that I lost. I have a feeling that it will not be easy, but well worth it in the end.

History

Posted: January 10, 2012 in Just me
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I have never blogged before, so try not to be too critical of me. I am a writer at heart, but that is as far as it goes. I have always dreamed of writing and publishing a book or two, but it is just that….a dream. Especially now with all the e-readers out there. The dream of holding a book with my words in its pages is gone. But don’t pity me, I love the jobs that I chose for myself, wife and mother. These are my true legacy.

I am not perfect. I have made mistakes and bad choices. The difference is that I have learned from those mistakes and repented for the bad choices instead of making them over and over again. I would not be where I am or who I am without making them. Regret them, yes I do. Hate myself for making them, no.

This is the story of how and when I realized that I am not defined by my jobs in life…I am me. Who that me is, well that’s where it gets tricky. When I got married, I changed myself so that I felt like I fit the role. I did it again when I had my first son. I felt like I needed to look like the job I took on. Motherly. I threw myself into those jobs in every way possible. Engulfed myself really. That was 12 years ago, and since then I have had another son as well. I love that job, but after my Mom passed a year and a half ago, I got lost. Really lost.

With my husbands undying love and devotion, the support of friends and family that love me despite my faults and mistakes, I am finally finding my way out of the darkness I put myself in. I pulled away from my family, out of fear really. Subconsciencely, I suppose I didn’t want them to feel the pain I felt when she left us, so I distanced myself from them. It is a year and a half that I will never get back with them. I failed them when they needed me the most.

During that time I stopped playing my roles, so my house is a disorganized mess. It matches how I feel inside, but not how I want to feel. So with the guidance of a good friend from the days when all was right in the world, I have started a challenge for the new year. Get an organized home by spring. The New Year Grand Plan. One room a week for 14 weeks. I feel as though getting the house back to its original status will bring me closer to my original status. I lost me a long time ago. I am sure that I will not find myself to be the person I was then, everyone changes. But there is a me in there somewhere. Still a wife, still a mother. I don’t want to change my life or start anew, I just want to have a life. One of my own. This blog I guess will be a record of that journey.

You are welcome to share that journey with me, and you are welcome to bow out as well. Either way….I’m ok with it. 🙂